Navigating the world of Customer Service can be very tricky. Think of a server in your favorite restaurant. They need to be attentive to your needs, adaptable to your requests, and delightful in every interaction. Our Customer Service team is exactly like that. Just without the ability to spit in your food.
So we ask that you give our Customer Service team the utmost of respect. Well, maybe not the utmost. Let’s not go overboard. Maybe in the range of the respect that you give your kids principal. You know that their job is important, but almost anyone could do it. Sort of that level of respect.
Many of our Online Customer Service team has been with us for many years, mostly due to the success of our “you can work while naked” ads on LinkedIn and our zero drug testing policy. We have recruited those employees to provide you with this list of things you should never say to Customer Support.
ARE YOU REAL?
Are you? Do you have proof that we aren’t in the Matrix right now? Didn’t think so.
I AM A SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER
No, you are not. You are not @elonmusk and you are not @BillGates. Those people influence social media. You pay for a bunch of Russian bots to follow you, there is a difference. However, if you are @jtimberlake I Love you, please follow me back.
ARE YOU HUMAN?
Just because we spend everyday connected on-line staring at screens with zero human interaction does not mean we are not human. Besides, we enjoy all the same things that you enjoy. When we leave work we often move to other rooms and stare at screens. We enjoy going out with others to sit in silence and stare at screens. And just like you, we go to the bathroom, making sure to bring a screen with us in there as well.
ARE YOU THERE?
Yes. No matter where I go I am there. Unless I am here. Or somewhere else.
I AM TELLING YOU THE TRUTH
We know when you are lying. We know. When you say, “I never used it” and there are 247 calls on your account, we know you are lying. When you say “I use it for a small prayer group” and you label the conference "How to make millions with multi-level marketing”, we know you are lying.
ARE YOU A ROBOT?
No, robots are cool.
Broadband. Ethernet. Encryption. Those are all English words.
CAN I HAVE A DISCOUNT?
No. If you want something you have to earn it. Like our boss. He built this company up from nothing. All he had was the millions he inherited from his family and half a billion dollars in corporate stimulus funds. You could do the same thing if you weren’t so lazy.
In closing. A positive customer experience is essential to our board of directors stock prices, which means it is important to every less-than-minimum wage employee in the department. At least until we can replace them with typing chimps, but there are currently laws about how you can treat a chimp. But until that time we will continue to strive to provide the best level of service that 4.75 an hour can buy.
Written by Jeremy